Love is so much hate.

The one that makes you feel a million bucks. I liked her and would daydream about her, sometimes even when we were talking to each other. Silly me! We were friends before college and I knew her through a friend of hers, that I then fancied. I never had the intent of falling for her, after all she was this spectacled geek, whom I thought as just being friends, not my type. Our three year friendship blossomed pretty well. I think you realize by now that this obviously ends with me getting rejected. We all have a story like that, this one isn’t special. But rarely do we understand the implications of the events that happen in our life and the seriousness with which we decide to change our lives based on these events.

As of my story, you see she got closer to one of our friends in our circle, they were just friends of course I knew that. However she thought of him to be better than me, someone she could confide in and talk too, apart from the fact that he was a smooth talker and girls liked him too, also gets better grades than me. It’s this jealousy that I couldn’t get her attention or be around her, that slowly began to eat into me. I obsessed over her, felt she was mine cause I loved her, I was her friend, I would be there for her. But all entitlements are just the rattling chains of your thoughts that you imagine are worldly truths and this is a truth that is not evident in your early life. Eventually after being rejected, all that obsession and naive reasoning just catapulted into this hate. I had a need to punish her choice and at the same time rid her memory from my collective sense, and that changed my nature. I got aggressive, I wanted better grades so I got studious. I started hating my current circle of friends, since I felt betrayed and decided to get a whole new group of friends. I even decided not to pursue higher education and get a job only because it was the exact opposite of what she was doing. I decided to be the best, be the richest, get the best job, be ruthless, be an asshole. I wanted to be at the height of egotistic power staring down at her and those friends and tell them they were losers. The pain of love makes you do foolish things and unexpected choices. Those choices made me successful in a lot of ways, but I think it dehumanized me in a lot other ways. The need to hurt or outdo others only brings pain and misery. I never really felt love after that and I just stayed alone in my world. That is a price you pay when you hold onto hate. Although later I realized that you cannot hate till you truly loved someone and you cannot love again till you have learnt that hate is something you can overcome. Funny isn’t it!